I was only seven when I was called an unstable persons. This was all due to my inability to take a decision and to stick to it. It all started with a choice between a red sweet and a blue one. I was not ready for that and I am still not ready to choose the best option. At that time, I was simply afraid that my choice led in making the sacrificed sweet sad. I didn’t know that it was only the beginning of my insecurity.
I always feel like I am deceiving someone when I have to make a choice. That’s why nearly my whole life have been based on the choice of others. I prefer to make them happy than to be really happy. Through time, I have made so many people laugh or simply smile by simply aligning my goal to theirs. It was like subscribing to their personal mission statement at the expense of mine.
I remembered how I learnt economics to please my mom. All this in order not to tell her that I wanted to be a street artist. I remembered how I became a football fan to make my dad proud of me. I didn’t want to tell him that I preferred ballet. I remembered the teddy bear I bought to prove to the girl next door how romantic I was. I had to pay the vendor $20 additional for him to choose the right teddy bear. I remembered the time I called someone gay just to feel normal and to be liked. I only thought of it as a joke. I could cope. I had to cope with these decision as I was unable to express mine effectively. I thought that realizing the dreams of others or being accepted by them will make me happy. It was more like wearing a mask every day. Then came the day when I had to stand on my own.
I remembered this day very well. It was not about choosing the right sweet for me but being at the right place in the near future. The first time I realized that it was better to take decisions on my own. But, I was unstable. I had the desire to please myself and the desire to be myself. By two times, I revaluated my decision. By two times, I thought to be on the right track. By two times, I tried to please others rather than me. It was hard to take the right decision and it was also stupid to try to choose the other one just to please the others.
This guy was right to call me unstable. This guy was right to say that I failed to stick to a choice. However, he was wrong to tell me that I am only made of instability and insecurities. C’mon, we all have been here at some point in time where we tried to take the right decision for the first time. There is fear to be wrong and the fear to be right. But most of all, there is the fear to be lost between these two options. At this point, I was lost and I tried to find my way. Wandering is risky but it may also be fruitful. I excuse myself to have wandered near your choice but I was unable to shout out mine in fear of deceiving you.
For you, this event is only the proof of all my insecurities. My inability to stick to a choice. But for me, I am free. I am free to be able to choose on my own and not in order to please. You can continue to call me unstable but I was just lost and wandering through all the options. I am sorry your experience could not see it.
*It’s only a fiction.